Why me?Hijab ?

i started wearing hijab since i was in junior high or grade 7.
its actually basically maybe bcz that junior high i used to go was an islamic boarding school..
so they taught me about wearing a hijab for girls is an obligation.its a must.
and..i dont feel uncomfortable with it either..so it continues until in senior high, which is not in islamic boarding school anymore, but an ordinary school, 
where in a class,there are boys and girls mixed together,wether you wear a hijab or not..völlig egal. like in my class,there are around 6 or 5 girls including me who were wearing the hijab out of 32 students. 

until i finished my senior high,which means i wore my hijab for 6years already(3yeas junor 3 years senior),,
hmm 
i never really had it in my heart i guess..i mean,for all this 6 years,,i used to once twice hanging out without my hijab..and there was once too when i was ill at home,some of my friends in senior high came to visit me, and i just didnt wear my hijab even there are some boys came.
eventhough i used to have something like that, i never really have a thought on my mind about..
"Dont you wanna take off your hijab?like really put that thing off of you?"
i guess.. never even once..

and when my decision came for me to choose germany as my next place to study in college,well
at first, what im afraid is not i may take off my hijab,but rather than,,im afraid i cant get along with the language,and the issue bfore that there will be doomsday in 2013 (i now it sounds funny -.- )and germany was kinda place where im not sure,things im kinda afraid concerning religion there.like im going to be the minor one of course :( 
thats whats on my mind that time..

a year pass i lived in leipzig germany for studienkolleg,i was the only one wearing hijab in class and i have no feeling like ..

"i cant bear this, im the only one who wear the hijab.there are also middle eastern girls and i bet theyre moslems but they didnt wear one..even my indonesian girl whose i know shes moslem too,she didnt wear it "

nope. i never felt that as a burden,at all.as being the only girl in class who wear the hijab. there was also a time..where the students who came were just boys and the only girl who came,,was just.. me. :''
(actually the class is more of the boys than the girls. its like 10:2 ,maybe bcz i took "technic class")

a year passed..and finally my time to enter college~ came..
im not sure bcz of what i kinda have these thoughts.. but ive already desccribed why i took off my hijab in my previous2 posts back then xD 
anyway,, i took off my hijab for a year. like really a year!
how was it? how does it feels like? 

well,i feel free for choosing what kinds of clothes i wana wear,
well, i feel free to do anything i want (bcz i dont show em that im "moslem") (its not that im happy with that)
well, i feel that im being normal here,i mean,like most of the people here..
anyway, i can do anything i want without even thinking "no i cant,im wearing hijab."

trust me, a year is REALLY SHORT(or maybe too long to make me realize what i did was wrong)

when i asked that permission to my dad and mom, i never thought that i would make it on my third semester in college. i never had a thinking 
"okay,lets try a year without hijab in your college,if you think then mega,you feel no benefit on taking that off,then its your time to wear it again"
my only thinking that time and like what i told my mom and dad was..
"..only until i graduate,only until i finished my study here..let me"

but months of my first time in college, all of the bad feeling mixed in my heart.its where then the following months i wrote in my blog,,that im willing to wear my hijab like really "next semester" which means in semester 2. 
new year came,hello 2015! there was a small incident i had its about
"my lame romantic story" its like punch to my face,and to my heart. 
BUT, im not sure why..i felt like im not ready enough to wear my hijab again. 
whereas in those months(january,february,march) , there was an event that make me feel like
"i guess its time for me to wear it again.." i got it really confusing. untill i had this once and only dream ive ever had (ive posted it also already bfore) its where i cried a lot in my dream.its about a feeling of regret.a great regret. :'( BUT STILL , i just feel like,im not ready enough,,
fine.i wana play more! (not reall that kind of playing -.- ive never been though to a pub)
i guess i was stubborn at that time..but ive already actually said to my housemate that, maybe im goin to wear it again on my semester 3. (its like i already made a deadline,and so i can manage my feeling and all towards it..how to make my feeling ready by the time semester 3 come)

and on the way to semester 3..well, i may say bcz of Eid,
i asked my hijab friend,how could she ended up wearing skirts all day long,since me, im still wearing trousers,jeans. her name is Lia
another friend of mine,named her Otha,,we had a chit chat about exchange semster of praxis semester,where i feel, when that smster came, and i already wore my hijab,,im afraid that no one would accept me. then this sister told me that anyway.. " if you do what God tells you to do, than God will lead you the way,what best for you" this saying is like also from a friend of me before.when she knew me at the very first that im taking off my hijab. still.. 
i was like "Ouu i cant imagine that.its not fair" so months in smster 2, i had a thought also that " maybe i wont make it this smster 3, my practice semester is on 5th semester anyway.i dont wana do it with my hijab.what if no one accept me just bcz im wearing a hijab?!way no!" 

but then i rethink that again.problems came on my second semester.and i kinda blame myself bcz easy, im not wearing my hijab. eventhough there might be no connection at all -.-
im not really sure since on which month i decided to wear my hijab again,but after Eid,i was still not wearing a hijab,but my feeling towards it,is getting bigger.like im going to be cofidennttt soon~
weeks before i had a trip to cologne and spain,,i have a though on my mind,that by the first date of september,im going to wear my hijab again since my semester ticket is valid since first september and there is a picture that needs to be sticked on.and so i sticked that me wearing the hijab.my old photos i still have em xD
even though going to cologne was a day before it, im training myself to wear the hijab to cologne.
trying buildiing my confidence. even though that day,my old semester ticket was me not wearing the hijab :'' (bcz that was the old smster ticket and still valid)
and..yea i went through it.alhamdulillah..

2 day before i started to wear my hijab again,i was crying out loud after magrib pray,the feeling of regret. like i need to face this, "if i didnt take off my hijab,i wouldnt feel this sad.i would have to feel this regret.i shudnt take it off back then,so that i wouldnt have to get throu this feeling,i shoudnt.."

bismillah.. 
i guess i have no reason for me to stay long this way
my dad,,i guess he do feel way sad,maybe sadder than me
knowing that his child,who he sent to an islamic boarding(even thoug its my own decision)
behave this way..i know he felt a deep regret to himself
no benefit mega?you earn nothing
you just keep being you,
you who dont talk much,and that kinda girl,whose not so confident
so why are you still staying this way? 
im not sure when was my happy time..
that year where i took off my hijab, or those years when im on my hijab..
maybe its bcz me who is not so sensitive and cant really choose,
but my friend say that.."you look happier when you were with your hijab"
i was like "i know, rite?"

i know the iman of every person is not constant. it goes up and down,and up and down again and so on.
even myself had a commitment that i wont ever take it off again, i forget sometimes..about that iman.
bcz now, im wearing my hijab, but i feel low.i feel down.
i know, dont judge a person by its look,even i do agree that appereance is important.
but i know,the behavior of someone,can not be connected of what he/she is wearing.
in this term, what im trying to say is that,if you see a hijab girl act what she doesnt suppposed to do,dont blame her hijab,niether her beliefs.

its getting harder now.trying to often wear a hijab in my own house(apartment) and the "me" bfore was like "every housemate is like a family to me,and so regardless there are boys,i still dont wear my hijab"
and now..? maybe bcz my housemate keep wearing her hijab,and i guess i need to practice like her,
but honestly,like really?in my own house? its..hard :') #butimtrying

its not about just wearing it,its about what will you learn next?
so thats why,its not an easy decision as like 
"whats so hard wearing a veil?you can just wear it and done" 
its not,like that..